Guess who's back back, back again again

Look first things first, this picture is so far from real and so far from being Bill Clinton.  You could maybe convince me that this is like 2004 Bill.  But it is sure as fuck not the mouth breathing walking corpse who was paraded around America to campaign for his loser wife.  One of this era's greatest pussy men does not look like that anymore.

Don't get me wrong, slick Billy definitely still gets his rocks off.  No doubt in my mind he has celebrated Hillary losing the election and staying out of the public spotlight with a viagra fueled fuck-fest that would kill most average men.  But that does not mean that picture is real and is him.  That looks more like wax museum Bill Clinton than the real him.

Now we can only hope that Bill and Hillary finally get a divorce to end their fake marriage so my man can run through the whole town so some real pictures come out.  Because don't get me wrong I want this picture to be real, its just not.

What the Fuck was that Tony Romo

Was this a classy move? Yes.  Was it the right for decision? Yes.  Was it wildly lame? FUCK YES. And by no means am I talking about bending over and letting Dak maul him from behind.  Again that was right choice for the Cowboys today and Romo to start fresh next year.

What I am talking about is the god damn written statement he had prepared.  Talking about how football is a meritocracy and yada yada yada.  Tony, you're not the president delivering the news of a terrorist attack from the Oval office.  He looked like a kid who was running for class treasure and rehearsed his speech in front of the mirror talking about how they will improve the snack selection in the cafeteria.  Fucking chill man.  Why he couldn't of gotten up there, said Dak has been great were 8-1 and he should be the starter and taken questions is beyond me.

But hey do you Tony Romo, you had a good run in Dallas.  Cant wait to see you in Jet Green next year!*


*Puts gun in my mouth

BREAKING: Bill Simmons, dead at the age of 47

Here lies Bill Simmons (1969-2016).  With one single tweet the former common man turned ESPN suit turned, wannabe HBO cool kid has been put 6 feet under by Chris Collinsworth.  Tough couple weeks for Billy Boy.  First his garbage show gets canceled, than Collinsworth brings him to his knees in the form of 140 characters.

And to be honest Simmons has no one to blame for him being carried out in a body bag but himself.  Who the fuck is he to be throwing live bullets at people right now? Um Bill you're kind of the laughing stock of sports media right now.  Maybe don't be firing shots at people when you are sitting duck just waiting to be picked off.  Thats really just Twitter 101.  No one should feel bad for Bill Simmons though, guy made an all time shitty show and has people tearing him apart, but at least he's sitting on piles of cash during it all.

Mike Evans is not smart

https://www.yahoo.com/sports/news/mike-evans-indicates-on-instagram-he-didnt-vote-before-protesting-donald-trump-181824165.html

Simply put this article is spot on.  If you do not vote, do not bitch about the results.  But for Mike Evans I won't even get mad because he does not seem like he has the mental capacity to grasp this concept.  Like hey Mike I never once seriously thought you were an intelligent person with political knowledge.  But you live in Florida dude, kind of an important state in elections FYI.  If you really think Donald Trump is raging racist (He definitely is), than maybe you should of voted.

But that is not even the point of this blog.  Whether you agree with the right to protest the national anthem by not standing is up to you.  Mike Evans would of just been grouped into the other NFL players who feel like they are using their platform to voice their opinions.  BUT MIKE, DO NOT ADMIT ON INSTAGRAM THAT YOU DID NOT VOTE YOU FUCKING MORON.  And its not even like we found out from behind the scenes sources that he did not vote, the idiot told the world himself in the form of an instagram comment.

The bigger thing for me is I would kill to know his thought process during this.  Need to see the moment Mike Evans wakes up in the morning and goes "hmmm I am gonna protest the national anthem.  I didn't vote but who is gonna know.  Oh wait I wrote on Instagram I didn't! Whatever no correlation between not voting and the election results and I will just delete so no one will know!" (The word correlation is 100% not in his vocabulary).  On Tuesday he did not care enough to vote, and by Sunday he was so outraged that he couldn't even bring himself to stand for the National Anthem.  Truly next level thinking from Mike on this one.  I look forward to what he says or does next on the political front, because if you haven't heard he is really into politics now.


P.S. Mike Evans be better on instagram. You're a young NFL star with millions of dollars and friends with Johnny Football.  Post more partying, women, and cool shit please.  Not some weird elementary school election picture.  

Update: He is registered to vote in Texas not Florida. Point remains the same.  Mike Evans is stupid.

Connor McGregor Continues to be electric

Look the simple fact that is that if most people tell someone else to "suck on my balls" it is a pretty lame dig.  But when you have an awesome Irish accent while dressed in your wild outfit topped of with a mink coat it just fucking works.  "Suck on my big Irish balls" is the officially the new "fuck you".  So simple, yet so elegant and powerful.


Parents want you to take out trash?
"How about no and suck on my big Irish balls."

Girlfriend wants to make you go out with her friends who you hate?
"They can suck on my big Irish balls."

Boss is making you work late?
"Suck on these big Irish balls."

Next time I am at a Starbucks and they ask for my name?
"Lets just go with, suck on my big Irish balls."

Granted I am Jew from New Jersey, but if I were a drunken Irishman my tombstone would without a doubt say, "Here lies Max Tabak, He says you can suck on his big Irish balls"  Connor McGregor is just about always appointment can't miss television, and its not just because he is a psychopath in the Octagon but also shit like this.  I was already excited for this fight tomorrow night, but now I officially can't wait to see Connor knock Eddie Alvarez out and try to t-bag him when he's down on the ground just so Eddie gets an up close and personal look at those big Irish balls.  Connor McGregor; world class UFC fighter, fashion icon, and now we can add English language pioneer to the resume.

Barron Trump is everything I want him to be

At the end of the day Barron Trump is the son of a mega rich billionaire who has always been in positions of power and just bullied his way to the presidency of the United States.  It would not be right for him to be some stuffy nerd who is probably just a plain, nice, and boring kid.  Fuck that.  Barron needs to have that pompous bad guy, rich kid look to him, with a fuck you attitude and he does that perfectly.

I mean take one glance at him.  If he was at Hogwarts he would have a one way ticket to Slytherin with the other super loaded kids to stuff some nerds in lockers which we all know would make daddy Donald proud.

It could not be more spot on.  They'd be best friends and theres no way around it. White, rich, and powerful? Malfoy's dad would probably of been on the ticket as Donald's running mate.  The kids blond combovers with the perfectly blue eyes make them an Arian BFF match made in heaven.  Especially to go along with the facial expressions that say I am rich, privileged and you're not, so get the fuck out of my face you peasant.

 Grabbing chicks by the pussy and casting spells on minorities to make them disappear to other people would be a big deal, but for the Trumps and the Malfoys it would just be a father/son get-together.  

Update: Richard Sherman Continues to be Moron

http://www.seahawks.com/video/2016/11/09/richard-sherman-week-10-press-conference

When I blogged about Richard Sherman the other day I knew he would contradict himself at some point in the near future regarding the league rules on player safety and what not.  He is too big of an arrogant asshole to not.  However, even I did not think it would take a mere 72 hours for him to do it.

In his press conference yesterday he took more than subtle jabs at the league and Tom Brady by essentially saying they have made special rules for him and how you can tackle him.  Ummm how fucking stupid are you dude? You mean you're not allowed to hit a player late and take out his knees? Thank god you never do that....

Ohhh and you're also saying you can't target a defenseless receiver in the head.  Gosh darn those specific Tom Brady rules but at least you don't have a propensity for that either.....

Wake the fuck up Richard Sherman.  I could give two fucks if you play dirty or not.  In fact I prefer it.  It makes the league way more fun to watch.  But after you do it do not get up on the podium and bitch and moan about how Tom Brady has a special set of rules to protect him.

And I know you're being an asshole because as I die-hard New York Jets fan Tom Brady could potentially be my least favorite person in the world.  I have nightmares about him torching the league and hoisting Lombardi trophies, while wet dreams about his ACL shredding and neck breaking.  But this weekend I want nothing more for him to fucking embarrass you.  Throw at you every play for a thousand yards and 50 touchdowns because maybe that will shut your bitching and moaning up.  But lets be real it probably won't.  You're either a smart guy who just likes to complain about everything, or the most delusional motherfucker on the planet.  And day by day it appears to more of the latter.

Why the fuck am I in my cubicle right now?

I didn't get into bed till around 1:30AM last night, as I and most Americans were watching the election results pour in as utter disbelief hit that Donald Trump was gonna be going from The Celebrity Apprentice to the Oval Office.  And no matter who you voted for or wanted to win, the reality is we all lost.  Because this morning instead of sleeping in and taking the day to chill and digest the news.  I was up early to be at my desk by 9am to sit at work, do some shit, and write blogs when my boss is not looking at my computer.  And so were you, just most likely minus the blog part.  Late night, big event, whole world watching, there is no reason everyone shouldn't have the day off.  So here is the definitive list of days that all offices should be closed

1.  Monday after the Super Bowl
         This one is the most obvious.  After I spend a night drinking and eating wings and pizza I normally like to spend a day nursing my hangover and trying to not shit my pants, and nothing else.    These are two things than can be done from the comfort of your own home and sure as fuck not the office.  And don't give me this nonsense that the Super Bowl hangover only affects guys into sports because that aint true.  Guys like the game, chicks like the halftime show, and the gays love the commercials.  It is Americas night to get drunk, eat, get more drunk, lose money gambling, than blackout to forget you lost money.  A recipe for a necessary day off of work.


2.  Day after the Election
       Went over a lot of this above but it is pretty simple.  Were up late watching the boring ass news so who wants to be up early to get into boring ass work.  It is only every four years so not like were getting greedy.  And most importantly, work is just straight up awkward today.  Got big time liberal Hillary lovers who look they're gonna jump out of my 17th floor office, and Trump people who have already started segregating the minorities in the office.  People need a day to digest the results and it sure as hell should not be at work.


3. Post Halloween
      Another holiday that centers around eating a shit ton of candy and drinking? No fucking way people should have to work.  Kids are running around all night trying to collect enough candy to feed an African country, and adults are out trying to drink and get laid.  Tell me how work the next day makes sense.  It doesn't.

4.  First weekend of NCAA Tournament
     Arguably the best weekend in sports.  A million games on with crazy upsets.  People following their schools, brackets, and gambling on every game.  It is also March so the weather is finally somewhat nice and we should be able to rejoice from a bar, not work.

5. Cinco de Mayo
     Once Trump kicks all the Mexicans out and builds the wall we will have none of our friends from south of the border left.  Cinco de Mayo should be spent outside with sombreros, quesadillas, and endless margaritas to honor those lost hombres.  Certainly not in my business casual attire, drinking coffee, and eating bullshit salads.


P.S. This blog is for the kids too, any of these days we got off of work, you little fuckers should get off of school.  Not college kids though, you guys are living the dream as it is and shouldn't be given any more gifts.

Hillary Clinton Blew a 3-1 Lead...And here comes the Donald

Whether you are a democrat or republican, pro Hillary or Trump, or didn't give a fuck who won this election one thing is abundantly clear from the shocking election results last night.  Hillary Rodham Clinton SUCKS.  She is a choke artist.  Simply put, she could not win the big one, when the big one should of been a layup for her.  She legitimately ran against a racist, sexist, bigot, and former reality TV star who no more than 4 weeks ago was caught on tape saying he likes to grab chicks by the pussy.  All HRC had to was go to four corners and run out the clock, and she was gonna strut that ass in her weird fucking suits all the way down to Pennsylvania Ave.  If Hillary couldn't win this election it is better off she is not our president, because not winning this race proves incompetence beyond belief.

Now don't think I am redneck pro trump inbred who fucks my cousin and wants everyone to own a shotgun because a Trump Presidency is just as scary to me as it is to the next person.  (Except as a blogger it is a wet dream*)  But who knows maybe the Donald and his yuuuuuuge business acumen can actually do some good.  Just if you're black, Mexican, Muslim, a Jew, or basically anything that is not a white christian, take cover.  Because Trump and his supporters are coming to take their America back like a freight train from hell.


Oh and also how relieved is Bill? Can't be out there getting his and fucking some strange when his wife is the leader of the free world and living in the white house.  Slick Willy lives on to fuck another day!



*I've written like 4 total blogs in my life

Richard Sherman...First Class Hypocrite

Look Richard Sherman is a really smart guy no doubt.  A Stanford graduate who is extremely well spoken and knows what he is talking about.  But lasts nights play to me was just comical.  Sherman certainly has his fair share of criticism about the NFL and more specifically Roger Goodell, and one of his biggest points of concern is player safety.

So last night makes perfect sense.  Guy who clamors for player safety and rights fucking charges into defenseless kicker and than tries to act like he was "playing to the whistle" Get the fuck out of here dude. Who are you trying to fool? Because it sure as shit won't be me or anyone who reads this blog.*  I need nothing more than for someone to hit Sherman late or roll up on his knee after a play.  He will bitch and moan for hours on end about how the league is taking advantage and not protecting its players.

At least guys like James Harrison or Vontaze Burfict play dirty as shit, but all week leading up to the game they don't hide the fact that they're ultimate goal is decapitate someone.  And than when the game ends they don't get all high and mighty about player safety.  They say fuck that if i could do it again the only thing different I would do is hit him harder.


*Like 3 total people read this blog

Million Dollar Rounds? Fire that shit!

https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/navy-cant-fire-awesome-gun-192909016.html

The US Navy can't fire its awesome new gun that can hit a target more than 70 miles away because the rounds are costing the service nearly a million bucks a piece. 

Just a couple weeks after the Navy commissioned its most advanced warship, the USS Zumwalt (DDG-1000), the service says it won't be buying any more of the guided precision munitions the ship's Advanced Gun Systems uses, called the Long Range Land-Attack Projectile (LRLAP).

The 155mm round is "the most accurate and longest-range guided projectile" in Navy history, according to Lockheed Martin. It's also one of the most expensive, with the price of each round costing roughly $800,000 to $1 million, for a total cost of around $2 billion if the service purchased its planned buy of 2,000 rounds, Sam LaGrone of USNI reported.

The Navy wasn't expecting the exorbitant cost when it first began producing the advanced Zumwalt-class destroyers.

It originally planned to build 32 of the stealth ships, but cost overruns led the service to eventually reduce the number down to just three. That reduction in the number of ships also led the cost of its ammunition to rise, Defense News reported

Look I understand the United States is like a bajillion dollars of debt, and maybe we should be trying to be more fiscally responsible.  And when it comes to a lot of the garbage this country spends money own I tend to agree. But for a sweet massive gun that can fucking nail a terrorist from 70 miles away? Fuck that! Fire Away!.

Think this nation is divided? Two presidential candidates that no one seems to truly like.  Well I know a way to rally America.  Fire these puppies off like there is no tomorrow.  Be like the drunk college kid at the bar who keeps buying rounds of shots even though he doesn't have the money.  Don't think, just shoot.  And of  course video tape every second of it.  Nothing can bring people together like seeing a bunch of ISIS scum getting blown to pieces by the Navy's fucking awesome new toy.

P.S. One way to fund the ammo? Auction off getting to fire the shots.  Trying to tell me if you had millions of dollars you wouldn't bid on the chance to pull the trigger?

Double P.S. Seriously how stupid is this country? If the rounds cost a million bucks I can only imagine how expensive it was to build.  Yeah that makes sense, spend millions of dollars developing the most badass weapon out there and than just leave it the garage and don't take it out for a spin.  Lets use our brains one time for me.

Death, Taxes, and the New York Jets

There are three truly inevitable things in this lifetime.  You will pay taxes, you will ultimately die, and the New York Jets will continue to be one of the biggest jokes in all of pro sports.  For me the irony is the last two inevitables are intertwined in that my cause of death will probably be from this fucking team.  Look as a Jets, Mets, Knicks fan I have rooted for my fair share of shitty teams, its something I am use to, and it is not the biggest issue I have with the 2016 Jets.  It is that not only do they lose, its that they act like fucking assholes who make me wanna put my head through a wall on their way to doing it.  

Take just about everyone on the defense side of the ball.  Some really talented guys who bitch and moan about getting the money they claim to deserve and do nothing to back that talk up on Sundays.  Other guys who think that getting burned on a deep route only to have the receiver drop the ball warrants a dikembe mutombo finger wag like they actually had something to do with the play.  Bonehead penalties. Moronic coaching decisions.  If you don't give a shit fine, but at least pretend like you do.  

Now does it help to have a quarterback who may in fact be colorblind because he never seems to be throwing the ball to the guys in green or white? No it doesn't.  But at least Fitz gives a fuck and puts his head on the line every play which will no doubt lead to CTE.  And more importantly he answers the tough questions when it all goes wrong.  

Don't ask me why but I still have faith in relatively new GM Mike Macagnan, while I am approaching the mindset that maybe we should look into a coach that speaks.  Because at the end of the day you need two things to compete and win in this league, a quarterback and a coach.  So there it is, death, taxes, and the New York Jets showing new levels of incompetence that make this election look normal.

Eve of the apocalypse....I mean the 2016 election

Not gonna lie, part of me thought the past 10 months have been one long troll job.  Donald Trump was never really gonna be the president and was ultimately just going to end back up telling people they're fired.  And same goes for Hillary just making big money to give private speeches while she sits around and Bill fucks whatever moves.  But low and behold here we are, one of these two clowns are going to be the leader of the free world.

Now who do I want to win? Idc and IDGAF.  I am a 22 year old kid who makes less than 50k a year and is still supported by his parents.  I don't own a gun, don't need an abortion, I am straight so gay marriage don't effect me (just let em tie the knot who really cares), and won't be alive when global warming destroys the world. Basically I am adverse to most of the issues and whoever wins my world will not be drastically changed.

With that said, this is still a historic election.  I have only been on this world for 22 years but I can't imagine an election has ever had two candidates like this running.  One crook and one bafoon.  George Washington and honest Abe Lincoln must be rolling over in their graves but I digress.  Either way tomorrow is sure to be electric, and once it commences we can go back to normal boring politics where each candidate says a bunch of words and still manages to utter nothing.   As the joker would say Here....We....Go!  

P.S. When Hillary probably wins wonder what she will think about working in the Oval Office.  Not like her husband was once in there getting blowies on the regular and busting nuts all over the joint.